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Feelings I’m Afraid To Express

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“The person with the least desire for intimacy always controls intimacy in the relationship…” Dr. David Schnarch

 

 

Three questions to ask yourself about your contribution in relationships:

1). What feelings am I afraid to express? To whom? Why?

2). Is it possible that I’m more committed to controlling others reactions rather than being committed to honestly reveling my feelings?

3). Without speaking/stating our feelings (fear, anger, hurt, jealous, worry, discouraged, shame, etc.) how do we expect to have a closer relationship?

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Unblending Parts of Self

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Returning to the Internal Family System model it is important to recall how parts/disowned selves/roles, their development is always specific to an individual’s temperament and interpretation of their personal experience.

For example, exile parts digest negative messages which began to form in our earliest thoughts about ourselves and the world around us. These wounds or burdens then form parts of our core personalities.

We are not always aware of these core aspects. This lack of awareness can cause major problems for us when the formation of these “first” parts becomes isolated from the rest of the internal system.

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Soul work and Brokeness

bigstock-Surreal-Cubist-Eyes-And-Faces-7736887 (1)Our self-system will go to extraordinary lengths to protect its perceived vulnerabilities resulting in still more separation and rigidly designed masks. It seems that we have to be right at any cost.

This is the stuff that hardens hearts, promotes wars and fuels hostilities among families, neighborhoods, communities, cultures and finally between countries. We do not realize that it is ultimately our individualized obscured parts that must be addressed. The challenge is engaging the process of uncovering, incorporating and owning our own camouflaged parts.

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Healing in the Eyes of An Other

bigstock-Surreal-Cubist-Eyes-And-Faces-7736887_resizeDr. Jeanette Rodriguez and I wrote this paper several years ago as we were endeavoring to present a talk about the psycho-spiritual aspects becoming a human being.

As experienced psychotherapists who have collectively led hundreds of workshops over the past 25 years, we can assure you, based on our personal and professional experience coupled with extensive observation of client participation, that 1). We ultimately heal in the eyes of an other, which is to say, within the context of our shared experience as human beings. 2).Without exception, remarkable compassion is extended when a vulnerable aspect (part or role) is presented within the context of his/her story.

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Well being Depends On Connections With Others

bigstock-Surreal-Cubist-Eyes-And-Faces-7736887 (1)“The psychological dilemma plaguing most of humanity is that the archetypes live us instead of us living them. Unless we become aware that there are such things as blind forces or archetypes in our unconscious, unless we become cognizant that we are in their grip, we will remain in a state of identity with these blind, unconscious, archetypal forces.” We must wake up to our deeper realities and dynamics if we are going to stop being menaces to ourselves and others.” [i] Eugene Pascal, Jung To Live By (Warner Books, New York, N. Y. 1992) p.89

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We Are More Than The Roles We Endure

bigstock-Surreal-Cubist-Eyes-And-Faces-7736887 (1)“The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice there is little we can do to change until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds”. R.D. Laing Quotation #34029. Classic Quotes.

 

If this is the case,where and how do people access those parts of themselves which have not been recognized and validated? Would recognition of parts give more meaning and freedom of choice to their lives? If society validates us only for the roles we’ve become, where is the outlet with which one might untangle and liberate the potentially deeper meaning and expression of self-states that lie within the human person?

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THE PRIMACY OF ROLE

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If roles within any given culture are what mediates our understanding of and construction of our identity, then roles may be understood functionally as a container or compass for each person to orientate their current position.

For example,it is good to know who is the pilot and who is the passenger.  It would also be good to know who is the inmate and who is the guard (some would argue this example). In this case,inmate and passenger are temporary roles unless the inmate has strongly identified himself/herself with this role.

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Which Mask Should One Wear?

bigstock-Surreal-Cubist-Eyes-And-Faces-7736887 (1)We are told to be strong, to keep a stiff upper lip to grieve a loss for a prescribed amount of time, to keep our problems to ourselves, to put on a happy face while simultaneously being told to be open and authentic.

With the myriad of mixed messages about how one should be, which mask one should wear on any given day, it is indeed nothing short of heroic that more of us are not psychotic.

As a result of our genetic makeup, our innate temperament, brain chemistry, i.e. attractors, parental and societal influences, there is much about the construction of our humanness that is beyond our control.

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Roles Are Inseparable from our Identity

 

bigstock-Surreal-Cubist-Eyes-And-Faces-7736887 (1)One’s “role” plays a central place in the social sciences because it is a medium for how and what an individual internalizes in terms of human behavior. It provides a way of “being.” The late Ernest Becker observed that “Identity is inseparable from the role one is assigned … and that “The social environment remains to his death the only source for validating that identity”.[i]

Unfortunately, we become attached to our roles as if they were our core identity instead of realizing that we merely have roles like mother, father, daughter, son, male, female, banker, teacher, student, etc.  Ultimately, at our core we are much, much more than the role that we endure.

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THE PRIMACY OF ROLE

bigstock-Surreal-Cubist-Eyes-And-Faces-7736887 (1)If roles within any given culture are what mediates our understanding of and construction of our identity, then roles may be understood functionally as a container or compass for each person to orientate their current position.