“The person with the least desire for intimacy always controls intimacy in the relationship…” Dr. David Schnarch
Three questions to ask yourself about your contribution in relationships:
1). What feelings am I afraid to express? To whom? Why?
2). Is it possible that I’m more committed to controlling others reactions rather than being committed to honestly reveling my feelings?
3). Without speaking/stating our feelings (fear, anger, hurt, jealous, worry, discouraged, shame, etc.) how do we expect to have a closer relationship?
Hint: Stating our feelings is about our feelings, its taking ownership of our feelings. It is NOT about blaming others or expecting them to change just so we can feel better. There can be no manipulation or agendas. Its honestly owning what’s going on inside of us relative to another person or situation.
For example, I was able to tell my husband how afraid I was when he went flying solo. I did not want him stop flying just so I wouldn’t feel fearful. These were my fearful feelings not his. My telling him was more about explaining my somewhat ‘clingy’ behavior before he left for the airport. I truly wanted him to do what he loved doing.
So, before speaking your feelings, check out your motives. Be clear and honest with yourself.